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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in Phil's LiveJournal:

    Thursday, August 11th, 2005
    4:59 am
    Narcissistic
    personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

    thats textbook ;]

    its funny how its such a bad thing yet 90% of great men in history had this "Disorder"

    people have to stop naming things and jsut live
    4:55 am
    *_+ blah
    Heather: you're always going to have prejudices introduced into the process. always flaws. the hope is that you cut it down to as few as you possibly can
    Heather: it's not pretty, i don't like it, but it's what we've got
    Philippejp78: no heather
    Philippejp78: this is how it needs to be
    Philippejp78: cops = fired
    Philippejp78: army is cops
    Philippejp78: army dosnt make squads
    Philippejp78: they are men
    Philippejp78: and they are rotated
    Philippejp78: all through the states
    Philippejp78: every 3 months
    Philippejp78: you never work with same person twice
    Philippejp78: the 1st laws
    Philippejp78: are made to keep army in line
    Philippejp78: then you make laws the army keeps in the people
    Philippejp78: that would work
    Philippejp78: ALSO
    Philippejp78: judges and lawyers = fired
    Philippejp78: and.. when something happens
    Philippejp78: a SHRINK will attend
    Philippejp78: and you both speek your sides...and witnesses also
    Philippejp78: and you do it THAT day
    Heather: because shrinks are never corrupt?
    Philippejp78: its volunteer
    Philippejp78: and its random
    Philippejp78: so no one can bribe them
    Philippejp78: ^^
    Philippejp78: i thought of this heather
    Philippejp78: a lot
    Philippejp78: and the shrink decides how to best fix it.
    Philippejp78: not.. how long the dude goes in jail for
    4:55 am
    wow im angry these days
    Philippejp78: heather, the system SUCKS
    Philippejp78: i'l tell you one thing
    Heather: and i don't disagree with you
    Philippejp78: everyone says
    Philippejp78: it aint that bad
    Philippejp78: UNTIL
    Philippejp78: system fucks you
    Philippejp78: and then you remember
    Philippejp78: all the times
    Philippejp78: people said
    Philippejp78: "dont trust system
    Philippejp78: "dont trust cops
    Philippejp78: "dont say shit
    Philippejp78: ECT
    Philippejp78: EVERYONE SAYS IT AINT THAT BAD
    Philippejp78: but it IS
    4:51 am
    My Priorities
    i dont bleive my pride is at stake, i beleive everything just is worth fighting for, and that every man who thinks of himself as a good man(or woman) should stand up to those who arnt. this seems trivial. and it seems like i am "putting on airs" but i will give you an example. i hope it shows you what i mean. battles are not made to be picked out. they are made to be faught no matter what, bending does not exist in my world. i will always stand for what i beleive. there is a song which you probbaly dont know but it goes something like "i will hold the candle, till it burns off my arm, i'l keep taking punches until their will grows tired."


    my story is this, me and my girlfriend took her little brother to the movies. everything was fine, movie was good. funny. but at one point the man in front of luke(her little brother) turns aorund and says quite loud "DO YOU MIND" luke says "sorry" i lean down ask luke what he did(luke is 14), he says he thinks he kicked the seat.. dosnt know.. but the man keeps staring at him/me

    so i lean down to the man and say "he said sorry, hes 14. he didnt know..lets watch the movie ok?" my response was "GET OUTTA MY FACE"
    i lean to luke tell him "just watch movie forget about him"

    so everything is ok, we walk out of theater, another factor isupose is i wear a tie. basically anytime i go out, i even have a fedora.. i am old fashioned like i said anyhow. no fedora that day but im walking out. and a big black man. probably 350lbs or so. long arms. no neck. follows me outside. i very diplomatically open the door for him. come outside and the man says something like "THE NEXT TIME YOU BE GETTING IN SOMEONES FACE YOU BETTER BE BACKIN IT UP PUNK" so i turn around.. move luke and charlotte away.. the kids scream "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT"

    i think to myself something like "well crap" i stand my ground and tell him "thats the kid who kicked your seat. you want to kick his ass too? i mean. lets let it go". he dosnt want to...swings at me. tease swings to see if he'll rattle me..dosnt.. i just wait.. security guards come.. they are scared of him..so tell ME to leave. i tell him no. i did nothing wrong im not leaving the grounds until that man leaves. anyhow about 20 minutse of staring him down and him not comiting to a swing he leaves and threatens me.

    a-moral beings are all around us, this man was an evil man, there is no doupt about it for me. he though iw as rich because of my tie.. he thuoght i was but i am not..fact is ive been broke all my life. i dont beleive you back down before men like that. theres another saying about the darkness and standing up to it or it will swallow good men. it was said in WW2 i forgot by who.

    there are 3 kinds of people..ignorants who do nothing.(the bystanders. if it had been me in the croud i would of steped forward with the skinny boy to confront the black man.)

    that makes me category 2. the people who beleive. beleive there has to be something better.

    3rd category is the back man, evil. not caring, and trully un thinking.

    i'm by no means racist. i cant stand american black's view of the world..i have a black friend hes from africa.. and i have a friend in cali whos black.. and he even has traits of this. i have lived with him..and he with me..we are good friends but..sometimes he just dosnt get it.

    they always forget 2 facts. and ommit them for some reason. 1-fellow blacks sold them into slavery. and 2- whites had to fight a war to free them. died for them.

    its strange. life is very strange
    i realize this wont change your view of things. but i do beleive someone needs to stand up to the darkness, somene needs to stand up to evil men.


    i havnt checked for typos. i hope you'll ignore them ;]
    4:03 am
    People
    people dont suck, some people suck

    i find theres really only 2 kinds of people..ON every subject
    death, the kind that die happy/willing, and the kind that die bitter/angry
    money, the kind that share and enjoy, the kind that hoard

    its just like emotions

    every emotion we feel comes from 2 ..there are only 2 real emotions. fear and love
    every decision you make is led by one or the other

    make sure every decision you make is led by love
    Friday, October 15th, 2004
    10:41 am
    Post 1 : so this journal...
    this journal is for me alone, no one i know will have it unless they dawn upon it by pure luck.
    i will try and give background, right now i'l just give some old stories of mine and after that i will try and post every few days.
    Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
    7:17 pm
    Post 3 : Trouble finds me, as always
    I don’t really know where to begin, but I'll write it out.



    John and I went to the pen because Todd was almost done work, so we went to wait for him.

    There was this grandma with her grand-daughter there, and I was playing with the kid, she was like one year old, really cute and funny. So we were entertaining her, me john her aunt and her grandma.


    I was fiddling with my hack, and she was all interested in it, so I started to play a bit, so she could have fun, she liked it. So I hit it around a few times.
    Then the security guard came from behind me, and he said I was not allowed to play.

    So I asked, why I am not allowed. He said, "You’re just not and then I asked if I could play outside. he said "no, not anywhere on property"

    He had a huge lack of respect about him from the start, and I was trying to figure out where I stood, I did not know what the rules were and he knew, so I was asking, he took that to be "attitude". I simply wanted to know what I could/could not do. After all, the security guard is the one to ask.

    At one point, I said I had been outside a few weeks ago and a kid drove by and threw an egg at me. "Where were you then?" I asked him.

    Anyhow, then he says "alright I'm going to have to ask you to leave"

    we were just talking I mean, Jesus. So I say "hold on, I’m just waiting for a friend. why do I have to leave"

    he says "are you refusing to leave?"


    "look,..." by the time I had even formulated my sentence in my head, he grabbed me and put me under arrest. I would not let him arrest me, I never made a move to hurt him, simply talked to him, and tried to reason with him. I kept saying "this is wrong, I didn't do anything" and "this is not moral. What are you doing, think about what you are doing"


    anyhow, then 3 of them were there, taking me down, I had done nothing wrong ...only talked. And they took me down. I broke a tooth, they all fell on me, and my blood was everywhere, My chin was open.

    I asked them to pick up my tooth piece (they did not), I was still really level headed, I tried to talk to them some more, but all I got was shoved and insulted, especially by the main one who started all of this. I turned around and spit at him, he hit me. And said "you have a disease"

    I fail to wonder what disease I have, honour? ethics? I simply asked questions and got jumped. And then did not want to be taken in, I was trying to talk, why use force? I did nothing deserving of it.


    Now I’m looking at court sessions, and I might get a record for this? Maybe even jail? Where is justice?

    A man should be able to ask questions of a guard, especially if he represents the police, that is the point of them, to help us is it not?

    Well I was released today thanks to charlotte and her mom. (my ex girlfriend)

    all in all. I tried to entertain a little girl, and ended up in jail. go figure.

    Would appreciate some help. Seems to me I finally had my life under control, and I was not angry at everything anymore, I love my girlfriend, I don’t hate the world, and I don’t hate everything. I was finally moving on, took me long enough. but I was finally making a life for myself.

    OH, and I have been working for 3 weeks at green earth, doing HUGE shifts, doing this work they need to get done, and I was hoping to get hired permanent, so I worked my ass off, she ended up saying she would give me time. And turned out she was giving me full time position. ...but now I am not allowed at the pen any longer, SO I have no job anymore.

    P.S. the grandma gave me her card because she could not beleive how bad I was treated. Apparently also a guy who was there gave his number to Todd and john, so I have like 4 witnesses. Don’t know if that helps me. Please give me advice and help.
    ~Phil~





    I wrote the previous when I came home that very night.

    My friend john who was there also was outraged at what happened, he feels guilty he did not do anything. He keeps a journal and feels the guard was out looking for blood

    The woman who was there also feels the guard was out for blood.

    I even feel the other guard could not get over how fast things escalated.
    Monday, August 9th, 2004
    4:24 am
    nightmare
    my head was concave not convex and somene shaved my head so i felt like crap and everyone knew i was different, and then, i was in a truck with my dad mom and sister, (moving an 18 wheeler, with our stuff in it. and we got into an accident (the snow banks guiding us) and i owuld get into the way of danger and jtus keep saying "i wanna die" over and over again, and i basically lost my mind, outwardly but i still had it inside. like i was thinking while i talked. and i just kept saying it until i woke up.
    Sunday, July 18th, 2004
    1:16 am
    Midnight Drive
    so.
    Charlotte, Rod, Anna and i were going down effingham road, on the big hill. Anna was driving. and ... a mother and 3 little racoon babies walk across the road.

    We plow into the 3 babies. i think one was past the car when we hit, Anna pulls over. now all i can think is "let me OUT of the car, they might be suffering or need medical attention" but everyone seems to be wondering how anna is? am i the only sane person here? (i dont mean any insult, it's just my perspective at the time, it's changed now.) yet no one lets me out of the car after i've asked like 10 times. and i think "can't we deal with our feelings after the racoon situation is delt with?"

    so i am finally let out of the car. i walk up, this is what i hate our race for. everyone always says animals (so pretentious, we are animals also) dont feel the same we do.. they dont have long term memory. ect ect ect. i walk up the hill, i cant see anything, but i can hear one racoon in the bush talking (yes, talking) and one on the road gurgling (yes... ) and a 3rd screaming from the bush.

    i turn around and ask rod to get anna to give me lights "turn around and drive up" i ask this not because i cant see, but because i cant stand the emotional turmoil i am hearing. it is HORRID i can feel the pain in their voices, i cant explain it. But later i tried to tell rod about how they felt and he missed it entirly. he thought i ment i could understand the calls.. but it was PURE emotion.. one sibling crying for it's brother and the brother on the ground trying to talk back.. SCARED BEYOND BELEIF and i could feel his fear.. and the others pain. And the 3rd's screaming was pure rage, anger at what has happened.

    the lights shine, i see the one in pain on the ground, and the one in pain on the side of the road, talking to its brother.(i think the one on the side is female. but it could be just missconception on both counts). The one on the road, has no lower jaw, no throat. and its scared, scared because it cant get up. and it is TRYING to get up like there is no tomorow.. as the lights came on i looked for a stick, i thought it would do better than my CLEAN new doc martins.. BAH i realize how shallow that thought is..walk over to the racoon. and show it's fear of there being no tomorow true. i stomp on its head. funny how a car at 70 k's wont kill it but my foot on the pavement will. i hit him again to make sure his suffering is done

    i walked to the car crying.

    and i hear a racoon sister crying behind me.

    there was 2 blood stains on the ground, i dont know where the 2nd dead babie is, but it's blood stain was twice the size of the one i killed. so mother and sister are alone now.

    we went back after to move the body, i had not thought about it. but last year, same spot, racoons kept dying because they went to mourn their family who died there, i did not want it happening again.

    gave anna the choice of going back and moving it or going around. she chose to go.

    well this was me rambling. i hope i did not hurt anyones feelings. but theres that story.
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